Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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