My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
