you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
