just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Randomize
