I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Randomize
