32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
