I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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