the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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