So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
