After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Randomize
