Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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