Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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