I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
