all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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