I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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