Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
