My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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