The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
