Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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