My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
