Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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