So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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