I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
