U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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