Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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