i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Panties = found
Randomize
