seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
