I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Randomize
