It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think my moral compass just broke
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
