I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
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Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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