Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
