The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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