he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
