I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
