Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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