i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
