Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
