Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
