Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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