Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
