I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
