I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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