No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
