How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
