Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
