Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
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