I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
