dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
