I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
