Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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