the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Randomize
