Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
