totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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