You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
COCAINE IS GR8
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
