Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
