I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Randomize
