my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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