The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Randomize
