i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
