So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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