I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I FOUND THE LEGS
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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