Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
