My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
